Anonymous Bitches

What a futchah!

said a ‘guest’

“The wedding was amazingly lavish and beautiful. But to find you have a Scientology adviser sitting on every single table was rather weird.”

“It was almost as though Tom and Katie were trying to ram home their Scientology beliefs to their guests. It was surreal. Everyone felt more like they were at a Scientology convention than a wedding.”

…The wedding itself was the standard Scientology ceremony with Katie promising to stay with “his fortune at its prime and ebb and seek with him best fortune for us all” and Tom agreeing to provide Katie with “clothes and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat” and to support her even “when she’s older”.

but wait — a “scandal” emerges!

TOM Cruise and Katie Holmes were ALREADY wed before Saturday’s star-studded ceremony, they admitted last night.

OH! NO!!!!

There was absolutely no Deal or No Deal going either…

all of the guests have signed a contract pledging that they pay a $1million penalty if they talk to the media about the wedding or release any photos

a spokesperson for Giorgi Armani has confirmed that they will have photographers at the wedding in addition to those hired by Tom and Katie’s team, and the television rights to the ceremony have reportedly been sold for Euro1.5million - the same about as the Odescalchi family have requested for the use of the castle.

But hey — that’s just cuz they’re bestest frieeends, riight?

Bride, groom and even baby daughter Suri wore outfits designed by close pal Giorgio Armani. Guests received Armani goodie bags. [reportedly worth $7,500]

yeeeesh….

Lifts and bent knees and that lovin’ feeling.

Russian women taught how to get their man

What do you do if the majority of the men in your country seem so self-absorbed, feckless or dependent on the bottle that there aren’t enough to go round?

Russian women believe that they have found the answer, with growing numbers flocking to “bitch schools” that purport to provide a competitive edge in a dwindling market of suitable bachelors, or provide those already in relationships with the skills to bring their men to heel.

Twice a week, women stream into the Dubrovka theatre in Moscow. Four years ago, 129 people were killed there during a botched attempt to free an audience taken hostage by Chechen extremists. Today its backstage rooms are home to a night school run by Vladimir Rakovsky, a motivational speaker, and his wife, Yevgenia, who teach “bitchology”.

Well, if you think that means I’ve got job opportunities in Russia, think again:

A successful “bitch”, Mr Rakovsky explains, is neither strident nor sassy, but demure, manipulative and aware of her own sexuality in order to get her own way.

“Bitchology is the theory, practice and technique of being successful in a man’s world,” he said. “A smart woman gets what she wants by pretending to be weak.”

Weak? WTF??? How dare he pervert the “bitchness” to weakness. That makes me want to kick his ass. And it gets worse:

Lessons begin with the philosophy of “bitchology”. The “bitch” should win favours by acting either as a helpless baby or, in rare situations, like an adult woman.

Then its off to the “school of seduction” in which the women learn to attract the most discerning of men by flaunting their sexuality. This week, students learned how to a work a room full of men just by dropping something, and picking it up, to “accentuate the most beautiful part of your body”. “If it’s your breasts, flaunt them, if it’s your backside use it,” Mrs Rakovsky, 21, told them.

Next week, she will focus on how to surreptitiously rub one’s breasts against an unsuspecting subject. In the final lesson, the women learn the art of the striptease.

The Rakovskys’ students swear by the technique which, according to one, gives every Russian woman what she wants: “Great sex, money and a man who looks after you.”

and…

Natalya, 33, said: “If I play the role of a baby, my man begins to take care of me. He behaves like he has to protect me.”

Oh fuck that! I just might have to kill that bastard!!